Doran’s Wisdom
April is Autism Awareness Month. I have a grandson who lives with autism. He just turned 20 years old. He will probably never be able to live without the support of a group home setting. Many people are qualified to speak about the developmental disorder and its effects on individuals and families, but I would like to speak about the soul of my grandson, Doran.
Doran is a person who feels deeply and cares about people and nature. However, he is not able to communicate what goes on inside him in standard ways that make communication easy for folks who do not live with autism. We, who live without the effects of autism, are challenged by people like Doran to cultivate an awareness of soul – an awareness that helps us connect with people living with autism.
Living the typical life of distraction, narcissism, and superficiality in a culture that calls for instant gratification and conspicuous consumption will result in the death of Mother Earth if not stopped. Living this typical life also doesn’t work if you want or need to connect with people like Doran.
When I managed to peek out from underneath the “typical life”, I find that there is a wonder to behold in Doran. First, he captures silence like no other person I know. He naturally lives in the present moment. A ride in the car with Doran is a moment of refreshment for me. You don’t need to provoke conversation and he feels no need to talk in order for us to connect and be at peace. 
Second, nature just cozies up to Doran. Whether it’s the bees that rest safely in his hands, a tree that reaches out to hug him when he rubs his head against its bark, or the dirt and grass that he lays on in our front yard, Doran is one with the natural world. He knows every tree species by name and is affectionately called “the bee-holder” (as well as the Beholder) by a friend of my wife.
Doran is choice full and deliberate when buying birthday presents and Christmas gifts for his brother and sisters. He listens quietly throughout the year and finds something meaningful for each one when the time comes. You won’t find Doran scurrying at the last minute on Christmas Eve, like his grandfather, looking for a present at the Natick Mall just to cover his bases.
I remember when Doran was young, and the ravages of autism caused him to scribble on our walls with crayons and markers. He was so upset and in tears with what he had done when he saw our disappointment in his behavior. It broke our hearts to see him suffer. And our hearts break again as we know that he too knows what a broken heart is as he navigates asking women for a date and not getting the response that many of us have received in joy.
Doran has a great sense of humor. He is always ready to surprise us with a joke-a twist of a word that leaves us laughing. He carries inside a lightheartedness in life. In his lightheartedness, he is patient with people and the promises they make, but trust me he does not suffer fools. He quietly puts up with our noise, gossip, and banter but when it’s time to move on from a conversation – it’s time to move on. When it’s time to go, he lets us know and heads for the car, and waits for us to get our act together. If we promised him a meal or a dessert that he loves, he’ll give us time but if things drag on, he will let you know where he stands. 
And that’s the thing about Doran, on the one hand, autism often leaves us wondering what’s going on inside his head, but on the other hand, you always know where Doran stands. He doesn’t carry grudges. He gets stuff off his chest. If he thinks you said something stupid, he’ll tell you (ask his father). If he wants something, he’ll ask you. If he can’t have something, he learns to move on. If he can’t tell you what he wants because autism is preventing communication, we don’t have to worry about any passive-aggressive behavior.
I would say that the consensus in the family is that Doran is the sweetest, the most sensitive, the most loving of us all. This fact contradicts what the experts told us years ago — that Doran would never have empathy, he would never laugh or show affection. As a living witness folks, what the experts said was not true. Another case example of how textbook diagnoses cannot capture the soul!
Doran, who thrives in silence, has a heart that breaks and sings, a sense of humor that lifts, and a focus that stays the course, is one with nature and has much to teach us in this age of the pandemic.
If we choose to listen …
Be well,
Bill